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Sunday, November 23, 2008

Speaking the Truth....


in Love??




Oh, boy, is this hard!! In fact, I think it is one of the most difficult things to practice in marriage.

Okay, I can speak the truth...in anger, in frustration, in an emotional crying fit, etc. etc. etc.

But...in love? Hard. Period.


A couple of weeks ago in the Fireproof Sunday School class, Nate said this to the entire Sunday School class:

"In the first year of our marriage, I didn't know how to read Heather. I would get so frustrated because I would ask her what was wrong and she would say, 'Nothing!' and then take the phone into the bathroom and cry to her parents in Arizona about all that was wrong. I felt helpless!"

And, yes, this is how our first year of marriage went.....I didn't know how to communicate, I didn't want to tell my husband that I was feeling like I wanted to run away...back to the sunny southwest, I couldn't stand who I was, I felt that I was a terrible pastor's wife, etc. So, I shut him out. Somehow, I felt that I was protecting him by just telling my parents. I didn't know how he would respond. But, instead of protecting him, I just hurt him in the process. I didn't know how to speak the truth in love....

Our next stage of communication went like this...I bottled the frustrations up, told my mother when I couldn't stand it any longer...she would respond with, "You just need to talk to Nate about it". Then, my response to Nate was in an emotional outrage. I would cry in frustration and Nate couldn't understand why I was so hurt, he figured I must just be emotionally unstable, he didn't really take me seriously. I was speaking the truth of how I felt, but not in love....

Today, our communication is ALOT better, but we have a long way to go. At times, I still talk to my Mom before I talk to Nate, I still cry when I talk to him & he doesn't really take me seriously when I approach him in that way, but I am learning to speak the truth in love.

When it is right, this is how it goes....

1. I pray...I don't go to my Mom or Nate before I pray about it

2. I ask God to help me evaluate what I am feeling....Am I upset about something Nate has done which he needs to know about or is it an unrealistic expectation I am putting on him, am I just sleep deprived and sensitive, do I just need to forget it? If it's important to me, I need to communicate it.

3. When I approach him, I tell him how I am feeling & tell him why I am hurt. I don't cry uncontrollably or lash out in anger, but I approach him with an attitude of love.

I have come to realize that if I talk to Nate about how I am feeling, we can resolve the problems & healing can take place. This starts with speaking the truth love.



Ephesians 4:14-16
Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the lack of post... But losing weight and eating right is such a struggle for me. I want to do what is right and I try so hard but when the emotions get involved I think I lose control. This is what I am daily struggling with. The hubby is having a hard day - work whatever and I eat to comfort him. The kids are running around and I wonder what I am doing. So I run to the kitchen. i am good at cooking and eating. This is where I can get caught up but over the last few weeks God has shone me how to beat that struggle. He has gentle and harshly reminded me of the beauty in all things. My heart has always been greatful but the level is deeper. I am blow away that God trust me enough with five of his miracles. I am floored that Brian still loves me when I sometimes question how I am around him. Heather your last few posts on speaking the true in love and loving your hubby. Wow. I could share so much but girls God knows are hearts he knows us more intimatly then anyone....he created to be like him. He will equipt us and guide us. Thanksgiving is a coming. Take one hill at a time don't look at the mountain ahead. I have been going between five pounds for over four weeks. This week I got on the scale and those five are officailly gone and two more--- YIPPEE!!! GO GOD!!! I just love him!! Anyhow- exercise is the key to having more energy for me!!
Be Joyful always!!!!

HealthyMahma said...

Thank you, Tammy, for your comments. YAY!! 7 pounds! You're doing great...keep going...you looked GREAT when I saw you at The Nutcracker the other day. Beautiful Momma!!

Anonymous said...

Heather Thanks for being so open with your strugles with communication. We can all relate. Josh and I have been married for about a year and a half but together for 5 years and its still hard to talk to him about some things. I really try to think before I go to him about something that is bothering me because we can't take words back. I have said to friends that you should "fight nice" with your spouse because name calling and accusations don't help anything. I am a believer in speaking your mind but in a constructive manner. I used to walk on eggshells so I didn't upset him, part of me thought saying what I was feeling would chase him away but I got over that and realized he doesn't want to go anywhere. Smart man :) We are where we are supposed to be even when its not easy. So in my rambling, I do have a point-arguing per say is not always bad it allows people to get their points across, you just have to "fight nice".